rachelle.net

It will be three months tomorrow, but I have really really really been tempted to stop at the store and buy a pack. I know they say to watch out for the icky threes (3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months) but this is ridiculous. It’s not like I have a craving, but I’ve been getting a bit irritable. Although, the smell of smokers makes me want to hurl. It is so disgusting, I can’t stand it, and I am ashamed to think that I used to smell like that (?!). I also find myself getting angry with smokers. Is it because I am jealous that they can smoke and I can’t?

Does this ever go away? I am tormented by the desire to smoke and the disdain I feel for smoking. Am I going to be a slave to this addiction the rest of my sorry life? It’s like nothing matters anymore. How sad is that? Good thing I’m on Wellbutrin.

Here’s my stats to day as I don’t think I’ll get a chance tomorrow:

I have been quit for 2 Months, 4 Weeks, 1 Day, 1 hour, 1 minute and 24 seconds (91 days). I have saved $468.86 by not smoking 1,820 cigarettes. I have saved 6 Days, 7 hours and 40 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 6/17/2007 8:00 AM

At $469 dollars saved, I have, in a sense, repaid the $50 hypnosis fees, and the $350 for the vitamins. Now, there’s the $ 260 for the iPod that was my “quit present” and the $160 gym start-up fees (not to mention the $60 per month) and the $120 in exercise clothing… I better get my butt into that gym!

I love pizza too. Of course I can’t be happy with the NS pizza, which by the way isn’t too bad. I seem to be really non-motivated to stick to NS as I have cheated almost every day. I have so much food left in the cupboard, that I won’t need to open the new box until October. Moreover, I haven’t made it to the gym since July. Finally, I bought two GYMp3 workouts, yet haven’t even listened to them.

How big of a loser am I. I spend all this money and I still can’t do it.

Okay, I’ll admit it…I love macaroni and cheese. I love the stuff you get from KFC, I love the baked mac & cheese that is usually present at potlucks, I love Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I make my kids eat it just because I want some but don’t want to admit that I am making myself mac & cheese for lunch. It’s a weakness.

It’s been 5 days since the “new year” and I blew it every day! I ate lunch out 3 out of 4 days and we ordered dinner in 2 days. Yikes. Fortunately, I didn’t gain weight, but still. I think I’ll need to call a NS counselor and see if that helps.

On the upside, someone commented that “[I] look 5 years younger” *blush* Must be because I quit smoking?! I also made a $2000 bet with someone as an incentive for them to not smoke. I am pretty sure I can do it… I don’t know if she can, but we’ll see.

As I pack the kids up for the first day of school, and get myself ready to go back to work after a month off, I can’t help but feel like this is the perfect opportunity to have a fresh start.

I’ve had my breakfast, I’m packing my lunch and I have committed to a 100% NS dinner. The scale proves that cheating on this diet is not an option.

I really just want to be thinner. I’ve tried being happy about what I am, but this is too much.